diary of

today has been different, thats for sure. big step we took, deciding to be civil. its taken awhile to make this decision, and honestly im still not sure this is right. i keep tellin myself its fine, and its easier than hating you. how do you bring out these emotions in me? 3 months of no communication and i still cant help but think about the situation. i really just blame myself because i couldnt make you as happy as you made me. it really gets to me when i see you smiling in pictures with her..but i had to beg you to smile in ours. i went through hell with you, and i still cant get away. part of me thinks im still attached, but another part wants you to look back and feel stupid. everything we went through, and i was still there. hurt me and disrespected me to the max, and again, im still here. maybe youll realize one day that i was the one that was really there for you. i deserved more than just a summer of sex and charm…while a girl you just met got your heart. im happy for you, i can say that…but id be lying if i said i didnt wanna slap the shit outta you for making me work so hard, for heartbreak. why was it so easy for you to just give up, if you honestly cared about me - about “us”? everyday the same question comes up, how did you get my heart so quick, but it was so damn hard for you to give me yours? i think i deserved a chance..i put up with everything for almost a year; the back and forths, the fights, going back to your ex. you even said it yourself; that you dont see how i did it. but when you honestly love someone you look past the bad. still angers me that you took the easy way out. you can hurt someone, but get off and be happy with someone else. its not that easy..its not easy for me to get my heartbroken and just jump into the next best thing - which you had waiting around. i didnt have another guy on the backburner for when things got rough. it was just you. i can say ive gotten better, much better - i dont cry everytime i see your name, or when someone brings you up. but the fact that i couldnt make you happy, kills me.